Do you talk to your partner? When is the last time you had a conversation about something more significant than what to have for dinner or who needs to pick up the kids after school? In most marriages, the answers are not going to be reassuring. We’ve all heard experts talk about the importance of communication in a relationship, but why is it important and why can it help save your marriage during the recession?
Communication is Necessary for a Happy Marriage
People talk all the time but most conversations are not about important things that need to be said. If you’re not communicating about the recession and what it means for your family, for example, you could be doing great damage to your marriage. Chances are that both of you are worried and stressed. You might have doubts about your financial stability or concerns about you long-term future. But because most of us prefer to worry alone, we don’t talk about those feelings.
When people aren’t communicating about their feelings, the other partner assumes their worries aren’t being shared. This leads to arguments, pointing fingers, and retreating further into ourselves and avoiding communication with our partners even more.
Marriage Needs Communication
A happy marriage is a partnership, but no partnership has ever been effective without communication. If you’re not talking about the issues that really matter, you’re not finding solutions to the problems facing both of you. If you’re not talking about issues that matter to your partner, he or she is going to feel unimportant. If you’re not talking, someone else might very well start up that conversation with your spouse and that inevitably is going to ruin your marriage.
But starting a dialogue about important issues isn’t as easy as it sounds. You need guidance. A new book called How to Have a Good Marriage in a Bad Economy can help improve start you in the right direction to save your marriage by helping you learn how to improve your communication.
With the help of the book, you can learn to stop just talking and learn to start saying what really matters in your marriage. And if you order today, you’ll receive a bonus plus a surprise bonus and be on your way to that happy marriage even sooner.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The way you look at Yourself
Day by day, the majority of us have a painful war with ourselves. It is a constant fight that includes constant criticism, pressure, anger, sadness and endless cruel comparisons. It is an everyday struggle that gets in the way and keeps you from seeing yourself for who you really are and achieving your true purposes in life. Where did this war begin and why?
self esteemThe answer to that question can be answered in a well-known and very often used word: Self-Esteem. What exactly does self-esteem mean? Self-Esteem is the way you look at and feel about yourself. The word "esteem" itself, means to value something or someone, thinking and believing that that something or someone is of great importance. If you are always fighting with yourself and feeding yourself thoughts that make you feel less valuable or not as important or attractive as other people, then you are suffering from Low Self-Esteem. Unfortunately, most people suffer from this, but the good news is, you can kick low self-esteem out of your life, inviting and living a high self-esteem instead.
Living a life of great confidence can be challenging, but can be done. You might have even tried giving your self-esteem a boost, but were later disappointed to see that it did not quite work out the way you imagined. If this is true, do not run away just yet! This behavior is very common. Like every other person, you have probably adapted and grown to believe that feeling insecure and feeling that you are not good enough is normal and impossible to beat; therefore you just accept it and set an subconscious rule that you need to and deserve to feel badly and poorly when you look at yourself. This is where you need to take a few steps back. The thing about low self-esteem is, that is cannot be cured in one day, or even soon for that matter. The first thing you need to stop doing is giving yourself and everything around you unrealistic deadlines.
Accomplishing high self-esteem will not happen in an instant. It requires hard work and constant reassurance. When working on achieving high self-esteem, know that it can never and will never be achieved as long as you keep negative ingredients involved, such as giving up. This is one of the biggest reasons you look at yourself in such a valueless manner. Yes, it will be hard to get rid of, especially because "giving up" is partnered with another negative ingredient named "laziness". The truth is, you do wish to change the way you look at and feel about yourself, but you have grown to become too lazy to do anything about it. Why? For the factual reason that you find it easier to stay in the place and position that you are already in. It does not matter if it is an extremely negative position or place. What does matter and needs to be realized is that you have chosen to stay in negativity for so long, that you have become so comfortable with the fact that you do not like yourself. You may not have noticed, as most of the other low self-esteemed don't, that you now crave and need to feel sorry for yourself and subconsciously enjoy victimizing yourself and grabbing negative attention from others. This is exactly why terminating low self-esteem is difficult. You handed over all of your power and strength to it, allowing it to dictate your being and the way you handle life.
Once you have realized and accepted these facts, you can begin your boosting process. Begin by becoming a best friend to yourself instead of an enemy. With this best friend, you, stand up for yourself and face that low self-esteem in the face, along with all the fears that come with it. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you do not feel sorry for yourself anymore and that you have the power and strength to feel and be happy, confident and successful, and you will do it because you are valuable and deserve it, just as anyone else would. Reassuring yourself is a big key to staying focused and improving the way you feel about yourself and the life you live. So do not be afraid to face yourself, and every time you do look at yourself and observe the things that go on around you, take notes of the positive things and the things you do like and admire about yourself.
Another essential thing you must stop doing is comparing yourself to others. You are you and not anyone else, and never will be anyone else. People are different and are created with different packages and talents. You are different and unique and hold talents and qualities that no one else has and will never have, and that is something to take pride in and love about you. Concentrate on learning and knowing that you are special, loveable, capable and very much acceptable. It all begins with accepting yourself, and you are the most important person to receive acceptance from. Once you have received official approval and acceptance from yourself, everything and everyone else around you will do the same and follow.
Living a life of great confidence can be challenging, but can be done. You might have even tried giving your self-esteem a boost, but were later disappointed to see that it did not quite work out the way you imagined. If this is true, do not run away just yet! This behavior is very common. Like every other person, you have probably adapted and grown to believe that feeling insecure and feeling that you are not good enough is normal and impossible to beat; therefore you just accept it and set an subconscious rule that you need to and deserve to feel badly and poorly when you look at yourself. This is where you need to take a few steps back. The thing about low self-esteem is, that is cannot be cured in one day, or even soon for that matter. The first thing you need to stop doing is giving yourself and everything around you unrealistic deadlines.
When you do come to times where you are not satisfied with the way you look or the things you have done, shift your mind and soul over to a positive side, pointing out the things you are happy with and feel great about, and always reward yourself for it. Treat yourself to something special that you will enjoy and feel fabulous about, and remind yourself that tomorrow is another day, which comes with brand new opportunities and more chances. Lastly, make your presence appear only around other positive people and other positive energies. Maintaining a healthy and high self-esteem will be successful if you continue to motivate and encourage it. So get up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and start changing the way you feel about and look at yourself. You deserve to happy and confident, because you are a fantastic and very special individual. You can do it and you know you can!
self esteemThe answer to that question can be answered in a well-known and very often used word: Self-Esteem. What exactly does self-esteem mean? Self-Esteem is the way you look at and feel about yourself. The word "esteem" itself, means to value something or someone, thinking and believing that that something or someone is of great importance. If you are always fighting with yourself and feeding yourself thoughts that make you feel less valuable or not as important or attractive as other people, then you are suffering from Low Self-Esteem. Unfortunately, most people suffer from this, but the good news is, you can kick low self-esteem out of your life, inviting and living a high self-esteem instead.
Living a life of great confidence can be challenging, but can be done. You might have even tried giving your self-esteem a boost, but were later disappointed to see that it did not quite work out the way you imagined. If this is true, do not run away just yet! This behavior is very common. Like every other person, you have probably adapted and grown to believe that feeling insecure and feeling that you are not good enough is normal and impossible to beat; therefore you just accept it and set an subconscious rule that you need to and deserve to feel badly and poorly when you look at yourself. This is where you need to take a few steps back. The thing about low self-esteem is, that is cannot be cured in one day, or even soon for that matter. The first thing you need to stop doing is giving yourself and everything around you unrealistic deadlines.
Accomplishing high self-esteem will not happen in an instant. It requires hard work and constant reassurance. When working on achieving high self-esteem, know that it can never and will never be achieved as long as you keep negative ingredients involved, such as giving up. This is one of the biggest reasons you look at yourself in such a valueless manner. Yes, it will be hard to get rid of, especially because "giving up" is partnered with another negative ingredient named "laziness". The truth is, you do wish to change the way you look at and feel about yourself, but you have grown to become too lazy to do anything about it. Why? For the factual reason that you find it easier to stay in the place and position that you are already in. It does not matter if it is an extremely negative position or place. What does matter and needs to be realized is that you have chosen to stay in negativity for so long, that you have become so comfortable with the fact that you do not like yourself. You may not have noticed, as most of the other low self-esteemed don't, that you now crave and need to feel sorry for yourself and subconsciously enjoy victimizing yourself and grabbing negative attention from others. This is exactly why terminating low self-esteem is difficult. You handed over all of your power and strength to it, allowing it to dictate your being and the way you handle life.
Once you have realized and accepted these facts, you can begin your boosting process. Begin by becoming a best friend to yourself instead of an enemy. With this best friend, you, stand up for yourself and face that low self-esteem in the face, along with all the fears that come with it. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you do not feel sorry for yourself anymore and that you have the power and strength to feel and be happy, confident and successful, and you will do it because you are valuable and deserve it, just as anyone else would. Reassuring yourself is a big key to staying focused and improving the way you feel about yourself and the life you live. So do not be afraid to face yourself, and every time you do look at yourself and observe the things that go on around you, take notes of the positive things and the things you do like and admire about yourself.
Another essential thing you must stop doing is comparing yourself to others. You are you and not anyone else, and never will be anyone else. People are different and are created with different packages and talents. You are different and unique and hold talents and qualities that no one else has and will never have, and that is something to take pride in and love about you. Concentrate on learning and knowing that you are special, loveable, capable and very much acceptable. It all begins with accepting yourself, and you are the most important person to receive acceptance from. Once you have received official approval and acceptance from yourself, everything and everyone else around you will do the same and follow.
Living a life of great confidence can be challenging, but can be done. You might have even tried giving your self-esteem a boost, but were later disappointed to see that it did not quite work out the way you imagined. If this is true, do not run away just yet! This behavior is very common. Like every other person, you have probably adapted and grown to believe that feeling insecure and feeling that you are not good enough is normal and impossible to beat; therefore you just accept it and set an subconscious rule that you need to and deserve to feel badly and poorly when you look at yourself. This is where you need to take a few steps back. The thing about low self-esteem is, that is cannot be cured in one day, or even soon for that matter. The first thing you need to stop doing is giving yourself and everything around you unrealistic deadlines.
When you do come to times where you are not satisfied with the way you look or the things you have done, shift your mind and soul over to a positive side, pointing out the things you are happy with and feel great about, and always reward yourself for it. Treat yourself to something special that you will enjoy and feel fabulous about, and remind yourself that tomorrow is another day, which comes with brand new opportunities and more chances. Lastly, make your presence appear only around other positive people and other positive energies. Maintaining a healthy and high self-esteem will be successful if you continue to motivate and encourage it. So get up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and start changing the way you feel about and look at yourself. You deserve to happy and confident, because you are a fantastic and very special individual. You can do it and you know you can!
Is Your Partner the Marrying Type?
Sure, you and your partner love each other, you connect well and have a rather healthy relationshipbut is your partner the one you should marry? Being a great boyfriend or girlfriend is different than being great spouse material. Many people assume that just because they get along great with their partners as boyfriend and girlfriend, that they will automatically end up married, living happily ever after. The sooner you find this out, the better, because it will really prevent a lot of confusion and heart ache later. However, even if you have been with your partner for many years, it does not mean you should stay in the relationship simply because you have been together for a long time. The first thing you need to do is understand what your goals are with your relationship. This way you will be fully aware of your expectations and standards and can then focus on your partner and see whether you two are on the boat or not.marriage doubts
So, how can you tell whether your partner is the marriage type? Well, the signs are very clear to read, if you are just willing to see the truth and nothing but the truth, even if it is not always what you want. The first step in seeing this truth, is throwing your blinders away and to observe all angles of your relationship- not just the wonderful parts that you want to see. If you are the type of person who would like to settle down and get married when the time is right, then you are naturally going to want a partner who will have the same dreams and goals as you when it comes to love and relationships. While this is only natural, you should not assume that just because you are involved with your partner in a serious relationship that it will end in marriage. This is exactly why you must talk about this with your partner once your relationship reaches a comfortable enough point to talk about marriage and commitment.
Of course, there are some relationships where it is difficult to read your partner, due mixed signals. If you feel that your partner loves you, but are not really sure whether he or she will ever actually get married to you, then the following signs are what you should look out for:
marriage doubts Your partner tries to change the subject or brushes you off whenever you bring up marriage.
marriage doubts He or she tells you that marriage is not something that he/she is too crazy about.
marriage doubts Tells you that he/she wants to marry you, but keeps making excuses on why you cannot marry now and keeps you waiting for a long time (years).
Is he or she really someone that you see yourself be with for the rest of your lives
If any of these apply to your relationship, then your partner is most likely not the marrying type and would probably make you wait a very long time to finally marry you, or never marry you at all. Some common excuses a partner gives as to why now is no a good time to marry are : wedding ring
1) I am not ready yet
2) “ Well get married when we have more money
3) Id like to get some other things done first
4) “ We love each other, so whats the rush?....and so on.”
The best thing to do is to observe your partners behavior around the topic of marriage and then trust your instincts. Do not rob yourself of true happiness by telling yourself that he or she will eventually come around or that you can change him/her, because this usually never works and you will only end up waiting around for a man or woman who will never give you what you truly want.
If your partner ends up not being the marrying type, then you should try and move on as soon as possible, so that you can move on and find someone who will see love the same way you do. If you try to adapt to your partners non marrying ways, you may be okay for a while because of the love you feel for him or her, but you would eventually grow tired of it and would resent your partner and yourself for not accepting the truth a long time ago. Getting married is a beautiful life experience, but only if it is with a person who wants to be in it just as eagerly as you do.
So, how can you tell whether your partner is the marriage type? Well, the signs are very clear to read, if you are just willing to see the truth and nothing but the truth, even if it is not always what you want. The first step in seeing this truth, is throwing your blinders away and to observe all angles of your relationship- not just the wonderful parts that you want to see. If you are the type of person who would like to settle down and get married when the time is right, then you are naturally going to want a partner who will have the same dreams and goals as you when it comes to love and relationships. While this is only natural, you should not assume that just because you are involved with your partner in a serious relationship that it will end in marriage. This is exactly why you must talk about this with your partner once your relationship reaches a comfortable enough point to talk about marriage and commitment.
Of course, there are some relationships where it is difficult to read your partner, due mixed signals. If you feel that your partner loves you, but are not really sure whether he or she will ever actually get married to you, then the following signs are what you should look out for:
marriage doubts Your partner tries to change the subject or brushes you off whenever you bring up marriage.
marriage doubts He or she tells you that marriage is not something that he/she is too crazy about.
marriage doubts Tells you that he/she wants to marry you, but keeps making excuses on why you cannot marry now and keeps you waiting for a long time (years).
Is he or she really someone that you see yourself be with for the rest of your lives
If any of these apply to your relationship, then your partner is most likely not the marrying type and would probably make you wait a very long time to finally marry you, or never marry you at all. Some common excuses a partner gives as to why now is no a good time to marry are : wedding ring
1) I am not ready yet
2) “ Well get married when we have more money
3) Id like to get some other things done first
4) “ We love each other, so whats the rush?....and so on.”
The best thing to do is to observe your partners behavior around the topic of marriage and then trust your instincts. Do not rob yourself of true happiness by telling yourself that he or she will eventually come around or that you can change him/her, because this usually never works and you will only end up waiting around for a man or woman who will never give you what you truly want.
If your partner ends up not being the marrying type, then you should try and move on as soon as possible, so that you can move on and find someone who will see love the same way you do. If you try to adapt to your partners non marrying ways, you may be okay for a while because of the love you feel for him or her, but you would eventually grow tired of it and would resent your partner and yourself for not accepting the truth a long time ago. Getting married is a beautiful life experience, but only if it is with a person who wants to be in it just as eagerly as you do.
Making Healthy Investments into Your Relationship
Like everything else you wish to succeed in, relationships require effort and investments. How is the health status of your relationship account? When you start an account, you always start off with such enthusiasm and with goals to grow this account into a healthy, strong one that will give you a happy future. The thing is, most people open their relationship account with eagerness like this, only to get lazy and procrastinate over time, leading the relationship onto an unhealthy path. Laziness will always set you up for failure, including your relationship. As a healthy relationshiprelationship matures and get older, the lazier a couple tends to get. You get so comfortable with each other, that you no longer bother to invest the time and efforts you did at the beginning. People often believe that if they are comfortable in their relationship, then everything is okay and/or will work itself out. Being comfortable, however, does not always mean your relationship is healthy. Being comfortable could simply mean that you and your partner are used to being together, as well as used to the way the relationship is- even if a relationship is lacking important things that could make it better. This happens so gradually sometimes, that a couple often does not know where things went wrong- and all they know is that their relationship went downhill and things do not feel the same anymore. The excitement is gone, the passion has faded and the communication has gone from strong to weak, making it difficult for a couple to work together once they do realize that their relationship is in trouble.
The following are some things you and your partner need to constantly invest to your relationship account if you want to maintain a healthy and loving relationship:
1. Honesty. You have probably heard the famous saying- honesty is the best policy. Well, it really is! While the truth may not always be pleasant, it is always better to let your partner know what you are thinking and how you are feeling, rather than keeping it all inside of you and expecting your partner to read your mind. You also need to open and accepting of the truth your partner shares with you about yourself and the relationship over all. If you are not willing to hear the truth (and the truth can be painful sometimes), then you are not willing to fully experience the relationship as a whole- but instead choose to blind yourself from certain things because it makes life easier for you (or at least it will look that way to you). So invest honesty into your relationship every day throughout the whole year- being always honest with your partner and yourself.
2. Respect. You and your partner can have extremely strong feelings for each other and may claim to love each other dearly and more than anything. Without respect however, that love will get lost in the big shadow of disrespect that will take over your relationship. Respect may seems like something that is only natural for you and your partner to have for each other and that if you love each other, then it will be very difficult to disrespect each other. This may be true in the beginning when things are new between you, but in time things change and requires maintenance. As a relationship matures and you and your partner spend more time together, you will experience different things and will learn new things about each other. good relationshipThough the love you have for each other may be something you have in common, you two are still individual human beings with different habits, views, routines, interests and so on. You may not always like or agree with the way your partner handles things, believes things and says things- but you will have to accept and respect that this is who he/she is. If you cannot respect your partner and your partner does not respect you, then your relationship will not last- and if it does, it will grow into an unhappy relationship that will invite many other stressful and painful issues. Invest respect daily into your relationship and do not allow yourself to cross that line and enter the territory of disrespect. If you so, you and your partner will not see each other the same way.
3. Expressions of Love. You may see this one as a given, but it is not. People tend to get a little too comfortable as time goes by in a relationship and become less concerned with expressing their love and admiration for their partner. This, majority of the time, is not intentional, but it does happen regardless of being intentional or not. People do this because they become too confident. They know they love their partner and that their partner loves them and use that as their security. While knowing that you love each other is great and powerful, it will not be enough to make your relationship last in a happy way. People need to know that they are loved and cherished and that they are not being taken for granted. Laziness is a persons worst enemy and it will cost you your relationship if you do not take the time to let your partner know that he/she is special and the love of your life. Tell your partner how much he/she means to you, write something thoughtful in card and give it to him/her, set a date to take him/her out someplace you know you two will truly enjoy and feel like a successful romantic couple. It does not require anything fancy to express your love to your partner and keep him/her satisfied, but the rewards for doing so will be wonderful and extremely beneficial to your relationship. Also remember, if your partner is not investing his/her share of efforts in showing you how much you mean to him/her, then you need to observe your relationship closely and give it a check up to see how healthy or unhealthy it really is. Talk to your partner about how you feel and give him/her time to make positive changes and improvements that will please you. If they lack to do so even after your honest communication, then you will need to ask yourself if you think you are with the right person. After all, you deserve to be with someone who will truly care about how you feel and will never want to disappoint or hurt you if they know they hold the power to make things different.
4. Freedom. Give your partner freedom? Yes! Not the kind of freedom where you both are allowed to just go off and behave recklessly to towards the relationship, but freedom in a way that lets both you and your partner continue to be individuals. As a couple in a relationship you will be one, but outside that circle, you two will still be individuals who will need and want to continue to discover more about yourselves as people. You both will grow in time and you will get different callings in life, but in order for you to hear these callings and act on them, you and your partner need to give each other the freedom to do so. Do not cling to each other so tight that you cannot separate and be individuals and do not control your partner or allow your partner to control you. Controlling or being controlled is not love or an expression of how much your partner loves you. Control is selfish and is robbing a person from having a relationship with them selves. Invest freedom in your relationship and you and your partner will grow even closer together! You will have more to share with each other too.
Invest all of these into your relationship account and watch the interest grow. You and your partner will be happy and will earn the feeling of taking pride in your successful relationship.
The following are some things you and your partner need to constantly invest to your relationship account if you want to maintain a healthy and loving relationship:
1. Honesty. You have probably heard the famous saying- honesty is the best policy. Well, it really is! While the truth may not always be pleasant, it is always better to let your partner know what you are thinking and how you are feeling, rather than keeping it all inside of you and expecting your partner to read your mind. You also need to open and accepting of the truth your partner shares with you about yourself and the relationship over all. If you are not willing to hear the truth (and the truth can be painful sometimes), then you are not willing to fully experience the relationship as a whole- but instead choose to blind yourself from certain things because it makes life easier for you (or at least it will look that way to you). So invest honesty into your relationship every day throughout the whole year- being always honest with your partner and yourself.
2. Respect. You and your partner can have extremely strong feelings for each other and may claim to love each other dearly and more than anything. Without respect however, that love will get lost in the big shadow of disrespect that will take over your relationship. Respect may seems like something that is only natural for you and your partner to have for each other and that if you love each other, then it will be very difficult to disrespect each other. This may be true in the beginning when things are new between you, but in time things change and requires maintenance. As a relationship matures and you and your partner spend more time together, you will experience different things and will learn new things about each other. good relationshipThough the love you have for each other may be something you have in common, you two are still individual human beings with different habits, views, routines, interests and so on. You may not always like or agree with the way your partner handles things, believes things and says things- but you will have to accept and respect that this is who he/she is. If you cannot respect your partner and your partner does not respect you, then your relationship will not last- and if it does, it will grow into an unhappy relationship that will invite many other stressful and painful issues. Invest respect daily into your relationship and do not allow yourself to cross that line and enter the territory of disrespect. If you so, you and your partner will not see each other the same way.
3. Expressions of Love. You may see this one as a given, but it is not. People tend to get a little too comfortable as time goes by in a relationship and become less concerned with expressing their love and admiration for their partner. This, majority of the time, is not intentional, but it does happen regardless of being intentional or not. People do this because they become too confident. They know they love their partner and that their partner loves them and use that as their security. While knowing that you love each other is great and powerful, it will not be enough to make your relationship last in a happy way. People need to know that they are loved and cherished and that they are not being taken for granted. Laziness is a persons worst enemy and it will cost you your relationship if you do not take the time to let your partner know that he/she is special and the love of your life. Tell your partner how much he/she means to you, write something thoughtful in card and give it to him/her, set a date to take him/her out someplace you know you two will truly enjoy and feel like a successful romantic couple. It does not require anything fancy to express your love to your partner and keep him/her satisfied, but the rewards for doing so will be wonderful and extremely beneficial to your relationship. Also remember, if your partner is not investing his/her share of efforts in showing you how much you mean to him/her, then you need to observe your relationship closely and give it a check up to see how healthy or unhealthy it really is. Talk to your partner about how you feel and give him/her time to make positive changes and improvements that will please you. If they lack to do so even after your honest communication, then you will need to ask yourself if you think you are with the right person. After all, you deserve to be with someone who will truly care about how you feel and will never want to disappoint or hurt you if they know they hold the power to make things different.
4. Freedom. Give your partner freedom? Yes! Not the kind of freedom where you both are allowed to just go off and behave recklessly to towards the relationship, but freedom in a way that lets both you and your partner continue to be individuals. As a couple in a relationship you will be one, but outside that circle, you two will still be individuals who will need and want to continue to discover more about yourselves as people. You both will grow in time and you will get different callings in life, but in order for you to hear these callings and act on them, you and your partner need to give each other the freedom to do so. Do not cling to each other so tight that you cannot separate and be individuals and do not control your partner or allow your partner to control you. Controlling or being controlled is not love or an expression of how much your partner loves you. Control is selfish and is robbing a person from having a relationship with them selves. Invest freedom in your relationship and you and your partner will grow even closer together! You will have more to share with each other too.
Invest all of these into your relationship account and watch the interest grow. You and your partner will be happy and will earn the feeling of taking pride in your successful relationship.
Taking a break help your Relationship
There are times when a relationship reaches a point where one or both partners feel the need for some space and want a break from each other, believing that a break will do the relationship good. Can taking time apart from each other help your relationship or is taking a break simply a way to avoid certain issues that will still be there waiting for you when you get back together?
First Tip: Do not use Breaks as a quick fix.
Every relationship varies and it is important that every couple understands that taking time apart is not a substitute for fixing or solving problems, because if you part when you are having problems, they will be waiting for you when you meet again- so it is essential that you talk about your issues first before you decide a break is needed and best for the relationship. Many get scared and paranoid when their partner asks for some time alone because they fear that their partner may not love them anymore or will not come back. Though it is always possible for your partner to change their mind during the break and decide not to continue with the relationship, there is no need to fear taking the break, because the two of you would eventually have broken up anyway, if your partner was already thinking of doing so before- so it is inevitable.
A Break can help you re-discover your Individual self.relationship break
Many times, one or both people in a relationship will lose themselves in some way or form and will begin to feel stress and resentment in the relationship, even though it may not be about their partner personally. In every relationship, couples will compromise their differences to keep things healthy and happy and in making these compromising and changes, you both have to let go of a part of yourselves in order to compromise your differences. Sometimes this happens so often, that one or both of you will feel like you have completely lost yourselves and will feel stressed and resentment towards each other, even though it has nothing to do with any of you in particular. Relationships can get so deep- and you both can connect as ' one ' so intensely that you neglect yourselves as individuals, and in order to re-discover yourselves, there will need to be some time apart from each other. Remember, you need to be whole as an individual first in order to be whole together as a couple, and time apart is best if one or both of you feel like you need to get back in touch with your individuality.
Slow down the Pace to learn more about each other.
Some couples get so excited when they enter a relationship, that everything moves so fast, which can get stressful, pressuring and scary, in which a break is then a good idea as well. Taking time apart can help a relationship build a better bond because you will both replenish yourselves during the break and will then be able to give the relationship the efforts and attention needed to keep it healthy. If you are afraid that you will lose the relationship if you take a break, just remember that you would have broken up later anyway- not because of the break, but because you grew apart, had irreparable issues or maybe your partner (or you) just wanted to move on. So do not fear what is not in your control. Just stay calm and see what good a break can do for both of you and your relationship. Besides, you both owe it to yourselves to get back in touch with your individualities and learn more new things about yourself, so that you will be able to teach your partner more about you- and the more you know about each other, the more you will understand your differences and will be able to build the connection that works best for the both of you.
First Tip: Do not use Breaks as a quick fix.
Every relationship varies and it is important that every couple understands that taking time apart is not a substitute for fixing or solving problems, because if you part when you are having problems, they will be waiting for you when you meet again- so it is essential that you talk about your issues first before you decide a break is needed and best for the relationship. Many get scared and paranoid when their partner asks for some time alone because they fear that their partner may not love them anymore or will not come back. Though it is always possible for your partner to change their mind during the break and decide not to continue with the relationship, there is no need to fear taking the break, because the two of you would eventually have broken up anyway, if your partner was already thinking of doing so before- so it is inevitable.
A Break can help you re-discover your Individual self.relationship break
Many times, one or both people in a relationship will lose themselves in some way or form and will begin to feel stress and resentment in the relationship, even though it may not be about their partner personally. In every relationship, couples will compromise their differences to keep things healthy and happy and in making these compromising and changes, you both have to let go of a part of yourselves in order to compromise your differences. Sometimes this happens so often, that one or both of you will feel like you have completely lost yourselves and will feel stressed and resentment towards each other, even though it has nothing to do with any of you in particular. Relationships can get so deep- and you both can connect as ' one ' so intensely that you neglect yourselves as individuals, and in order to re-discover yourselves, there will need to be some time apart from each other. Remember, you need to be whole as an individual first in order to be whole together as a couple, and time apart is best if one or both of you feel like you need to get back in touch with your individuality.
Slow down the Pace to learn more about each other.
Some couples get so excited when they enter a relationship, that everything moves so fast, which can get stressful, pressuring and scary, in which a break is then a good idea as well. Taking time apart can help a relationship build a better bond because you will both replenish yourselves during the break and will then be able to give the relationship the efforts and attention needed to keep it healthy. If you are afraid that you will lose the relationship if you take a break, just remember that you would have broken up later anyway- not because of the break, but because you grew apart, had irreparable issues or maybe your partner (or you) just wanted to move on. So do not fear what is not in your control. Just stay calm and see what good a break can do for both of you and your relationship. Besides, you both owe it to yourselves to get back in touch with your individualities and learn more new things about yourself, so that you will be able to teach your partner more about you- and the more you know about each other, the more you will understand your differences and will be able to build the connection that works best for the both of you.
Communication that really improves Relationships
Communication is something we all know is necessary to keep any relationship strong and loving, and although we are aware of the importance of communication, we still seem to be clueless about what exactly good communication really is. This does not mean you are clueless as a person, but it does mean that more attention is required on your part, so that you can become more open and invite the many forms of communication that exist, so that you will be able to understand yourself and your partner much better. There is nothing that keeps a relationship healthy, better than understanding and once you start becoming more familiar with your communicating styles, as well as your partners, you will be able to work better as a team in making the best of your relationship.improve relationship
The first step in achieving better communication that will really work, is to take a look at you first. People always tend to turn to their partner first when things are not running so smoothly in their relationship. They automatically start pointing out what their partner is doing or not doing, as well as how their partner is not listening to them. This may all be true depending on your particular situation, but it is important that you take the responsibility in reviewing your own actions and communication first, before you can point anything out in your partner. Remember, it is very easy to see other peoples mistakes, but when it comes to looking at you, it is much harder to accept criticism, even from yourself- because no one wants to be wrong. This is where you need to get real about things. Communication is not about who is right or wrong, but instead about helping each other see things from each others perspective, so that you can be on the page and avoid any misunderstanding that will cause unneeded arguments.
The first step in achieving better communication that will really work, is to take a look at you first. People always tend to turn to their partner first when things are not running so smoothly in their relationship. They automatically start pointing out what their partner is doing or not doing, as well as how their partner is not listening to them. This may all be true depending on your particular situation, but it is important that you take the responsibility in reviewing your own actions and communication first, before you can point anything out in your partner. Remember, it is very easy to see other peoples mistakes, but when it comes to looking at you, it is much harder to accept criticism, even from yourself- because no one wants to be wrong. This is where you need to get real about things. Communication is not about who is right or wrong, but instead about helping each other see things from each others perspective, so that you can be on the page and avoid any misunderstanding that will cause unneeded arguments.
Getting along with a Parent
Finding Peace when You don't get along with a Parent
Not getting along with a parent can be very painful emotionally. Even after you have grown into a mature adult and have found a life of your own, there is always a part of you that feels haunted by the bad relationship you have with one or both of your parents. When one does not feel fully accepted, love, understood or respected by a parent, there is an emptiness living inside you and while you may be able to move on with your life okay and find happiness, it is always preferred to have a close and healthy bond with your parents.parent
So how can you find peace when you don’t get along with a parent? By doing your hare mostly- and knowing that you did what you could to save the relationship.
But let us first start by seeing where the problems may have begun:
It all really starts long before the child is even born. If you are not getting along with you parent or parents, it may help you feel better knowing that it is not your fault. It starts from an early age when you as a child have no responsibility what so ever. Most likely, the parent was not fit or ready to be a parent.
Of course, there are valuable reasons why a parent may be unfit or naive. At this point it is important to acknowledge that there may be a number of reasons why you and your parent(s) are not getting along. Reflect back and try to figure out what makes your parents tick and what may have lead to the conflicts existing between you.
When considering all aspects, it is important to disregard the feelings of the heart (meaning emotions that can cloud your judgment) and really look at things as they are, which can be challenging, but it is important to try.
In general, a good and healthy parent is one that-
1. Accepts the responsibility to be a parent
2. Has the financial means to support a family
3. Maintains a healthy relationship with their spouse/significant other
4. Has parenting knowledge/education (at least to a certain degree, but no one ever is an expert and it is a never ending learning experience)
5. Has a physical/mental/emotional balance to engage with their children
All those factors and more can make a difference for a parent to have a better understanding of their children. They can create the proper tactics to educate a child, as well as guide them lovingly in the direction of their beliefs. However, it would also be important to not neglect the personality of the child in this process, for each child is unique—whether it has to do with learning ability, personality, etc and sometimes parents do not understand this and this is where problems start.
It is true that many families raise their children with apparently no problems, but that is only what everyone claims. However, when looking deeply within each member, especially the children, it may not be true. Often children can fall into rituals or habits of obeying their parents, but that does not mean there are not any problems. Humans can easily get lost in following patterns, traditions, etc. Many individuals are afraid to reveal their desires or differences of opinion, especially children to their parents. For that reason, many appear obedient, humble, and happy- and it could easily be the opposite. In fact, by pleasing your parents without making mistakes, you are not having much of a gain. The child may be losing the true meaning of their life pleasing their parent(s), when they could actually be fulfilling their authenticity and finding themselves.
A child who does not get along with their parent(s) is really a child who is exercising their strengths to overcome the obstacle of trying to make his/her points or trying to share his/her views as an individual.
The naive parent will clash with this particular type of personality, assuming their child is just disrespectful and wild. It may be a frequent occasion that is vaguely spoken about or displayed. In this type of situation, it is best to not feel guilty. Find comfort and happiness in knowing that it is the nature of the child and the parent. Do not forget that there may be valuable reasons why you and your parent(s) are not getting along; it is not your fault. It is not because your parent(s) have a lack of love for you, that you are a bad person or that you are just plain unlikeable. It could be that they just disagree with your choices, desires, views and/or decisions. Keep in mind that every individual’s mind is a separate world. With that said, it is also very possible that you share the same strengths and weaknesses as your parent(s), whom you are conflicting with intensely and sometime similarities like this can also create conflicts.
If you wish to try and build a healthier relationship with your parent(s)…
* Make things better with your parent(s) by communication more openly. Communication is essential! Find the right moment to speak with your parent(s). Remember to be kind and respectful toward him/her and be sincere. After all, there is a lot to gain, and also a lot to lose—for both parties. Let them know how they honestly make you feel and express yourself fully so they can hear and see how you have been affected. If you have ever felt unfulfilled by the responses of your parent(s), it is important for you to know that the parent(s) most likely suffers the same dissatisfaction or more—whether it is expressed or not. It may take time for you and your parent(s) to come to a point of understanding and will not happen over night.
* Grow closer to the parent(s) by getting to know them. Besides just letting them know how you feel, get to know how they feel, so you too can have a better understanding of how they think and feel about certain things. There is no guarantee that the outcome will be positive, but it is worth the effort. When you know you really put in your best efforts to improve the relationship, you will at least know you did your part and showed your love and interest in making things better.
Remember, it is no one’s fault to have differences. A child and his/her parent(s) must have differences to some degree. It is also important to remember to do only your best, and that there is a side you are not responsible for. Consider all aspects—you must use your heart along with your intellectuality. If you consider yourself a more skillful child than your parents, then use that ability to get close and to find an understanding with them. This may prevent you from feeling unloved or having feeling guilt that you do not deserve to feel. Take it on slow step at a time and eventually you will reach a point where you will be able to decide whether you can have a close relationship with your parent or if keeping a healthy distance is best for you and everyone involved.
Not getting along with a parent can be very painful emotionally. Even after you have grown into a mature adult and have found a life of your own, there is always a part of you that feels haunted by the bad relationship you have with one or both of your parents. When one does not feel fully accepted, love, understood or respected by a parent, there is an emptiness living inside you and while you may be able to move on with your life okay and find happiness, it is always preferred to have a close and healthy bond with your parents.parent
So how can you find peace when you don’t get along with a parent? By doing your hare mostly- and knowing that you did what you could to save the relationship.
But let us first start by seeing where the problems may have begun:
It all really starts long before the child is even born. If you are not getting along with you parent or parents, it may help you feel better knowing that it is not your fault. It starts from an early age when you as a child have no responsibility what so ever. Most likely, the parent was not fit or ready to be a parent.
Of course, there are valuable reasons why a parent may be unfit or naive. At this point it is important to acknowledge that there may be a number of reasons why you and your parent(s) are not getting along. Reflect back and try to figure out what makes your parents tick and what may have lead to the conflicts existing between you.
When considering all aspects, it is important to disregard the feelings of the heart (meaning emotions that can cloud your judgment) and really look at things as they are, which can be challenging, but it is important to try.
In general, a good and healthy parent is one that-
1. Accepts the responsibility to be a parent
2. Has the financial means to support a family
3. Maintains a healthy relationship with their spouse/significant other
4. Has parenting knowledge/education (at least to a certain degree, but no one ever is an expert and it is a never ending learning experience)
5. Has a physical/mental/emotional balance to engage with their children
All those factors and more can make a difference for a parent to have a better understanding of their children. They can create the proper tactics to educate a child, as well as guide them lovingly in the direction of their beliefs. However, it would also be important to not neglect the personality of the child in this process, for each child is unique—whether it has to do with learning ability, personality, etc and sometimes parents do not understand this and this is where problems start.
It is true that many families raise their children with apparently no problems, but that is only what everyone claims. However, when looking deeply within each member, especially the children, it may not be true. Often children can fall into rituals or habits of obeying their parents, but that does not mean there are not any problems. Humans can easily get lost in following patterns, traditions, etc. Many individuals are afraid to reveal their desires or differences of opinion, especially children to their parents. For that reason, many appear obedient, humble, and happy- and it could easily be the opposite. In fact, by pleasing your parents without making mistakes, you are not having much of a gain. The child may be losing the true meaning of their life pleasing their parent(s), when they could actually be fulfilling their authenticity and finding themselves.
A child who does not get along with their parent(s) is really a child who is exercising their strengths to overcome the obstacle of trying to make his/her points or trying to share his/her views as an individual.
The naive parent will clash with this particular type of personality, assuming their child is just disrespectful and wild. It may be a frequent occasion that is vaguely spoken about or displayed. In this type of situation, it is best to not feel guilty. Find comfort and happiness in knowing that it is the nature of the child and the parent. Do not forget that there may be valuable reasons why you and your parent(s) are not getting along; it is not your fault. It is not because your parent(s) have a lack of love for you, that you are a bad person or that you are just plain unlikeable. It could be that they just disagree with your choices, desires, views and/or decisions. Keep in mind that every individual’s mind is a separate world. With that said, it is also very possible that you share the same strengths and weaknesses as your parent(s), whom you are conflicting with intensely and sometime similarities like this can also create conflicts.
If you wish to try and build a healthier relationship with your parent(s)…
* Make things better with your parent(s) by communication more openly. Communication is essential! Find the right moment to speak with your parent(s). Remember to be kind and respectful toward him/her and be sincere. After all, there is a lot to gain, and also a lot to lose—for both parties. Let them know how they honestly make you feel and express yourself fully so they can hear and see how you have been affected. If you have ever felt unfulfilled by the responses of your parent(s), it is important for you to know that the parent(s) most likely suffers the same dissatisfaction or more—whether it is expressed or not. It may take time for you and your parent(s) to come to a point of understanding and will not happen over night.
* Grow closer to the parent(s) by getting to know them. Besides just letting them know how you feel, get to know how they feel, so you too can have a better understanding of how they think and feel about certain things. There is no guarantee that the outcome will be positive, but it is worth the effort. When you know you really put in your best efforts to improve the relationship, you will at least know you did your part and showed your love and interest in making things better.
Remember, it is no one’s fault to have differences. A child and his/her parent(s) must have differences to some degree. It is also important to remember to do only your best, and that there is a side you are not responsible for. Consider all aspects—you must use your heart along with your intellectuality. If you consider yourself a more skillful child than your parents, then use that ability to get close and to find an understanding with them. This may prevent you from feeling unloved or having feeling guilt that you do not deserve to feel. Take it on slow step at a time and eventually you will reach a point where you will be able to decide whether you can have a close relationship with your parent or if keeping a healthy distance is best for you and everyone involved.
Are you in Denial?
Is He Really Worth the Wait, or are You in Denial?
Dating is not always easy and finding an interesting person to even consider dating is often challenging enough as it is. So when we do find someone interesting enough, we often hold on to them, with the hope that the connection will grow into something special.
The question you need to ask yourself however, is: How special is the connection between you and this “interesting” person?
As women, when we meet someone we really like, we often become infatuated quickly and without intention, create this illusion that leads us to disappointment and injured emotions that we do not deserve.
Have you met someone you feel drawn to romantically and want things to head to the next stage, but just cannot seem to get there? If so, welcome to a common situation many of us women find ourselves in. Is this new man in your life really worth your time and patience, or are you just in denial about how special the connection between you really is? It is important for you to be observant and pay attention to whether or not you are making excuses for him when he does not put in the effort you would like him to.
Making excuses for someone is something very common that people do, especially women. When we like a man enough, we convince ourselves that he is worth our time by making excuses for his lazy and inconsiderate behavior. Deep down however, you already know whether he is truly crazy about you too, or not.
Here are some signs of a man who truly does want you:
1. He calls you and gets in touch with you (phone, e-mail, etc) as often as he can.
2. Calls you when he says he will
3. Pays attention to what you like (example: types of movies, flowers, food, music, so on) and then invests efforts in making sure he can provide you with it. So for example, if he knows Italian is your favorite food, he will try to find a nice Italian restaurant to take you to, because he wants to impress you and make you happy.
4. He expresses his feelings to you and lets you know how much he likes you.
5. He does not mind doing most of the chasing
Now, here are some signs of a man who is not that interested in you:
1. He takes his time to get in touch with you and does not seem very excited to talk to you again.
2. Tells you he will call you, and then breaks that promise.
3. Leaves you wondering about how he really feels about you. Not being emotionally expressive enough.
4. Does not invest much effort in trying to impress you or set up nice dates.
5. He seems relaxed and not concerned with chasing you all that much- leaving a lot of room for you to look for him.
If you find yourself making excuses to any of the signs above that point to him not being very interested in you, you are not alone. You obviously like this man a lot and like him enough at this time to feel he worth making excuses for, but…are you really happy?
Sure, there are exceptions where we should give people the benefit of the doubt, but there is a difference between a mistake we can of course excuse and forgive and man who simply does not treat you well enough.
Yes, we are living in modern times where women play strong roles in the career and work field and are not afraid to take charge and be aggressive, including in the romance department. If we see a man we want, most of us are not old fashioned enough to just wait around. We are ready to take charge and flirt, e-mail and call- if it means starting up a relationship with a man we want. While this is great and we should feel strong and confident enough about ourselves to do this, we also should not forget how men are programmed by nature. Do not rob a man of the fun he has in chasing after a woman he really longs for. As fun as it may be for you to be the aggressive one, the truth is, if you spend too much time being aggressive and getting in touch with him all the time, you are not giving him or yourself the chance to really find out how much he wants you. Do not be afraid to lie back sometimes and see just how much effort he feels you are worth. If he really wants to get to know you and be with you romantically, then he will not miss his chance to call you, e-mail you, or make the time to take you out.
So be honest with yourself and do not make excuses, no matter how much you like him. After all, you want to be with someone who wants you just as bad and shows it- not someone you have to run after and wonder about.
One Important Note: Avoid the “Busy Excuse”
Do not make the busy excuse for him. Yes, people get busy, but if you are not too busy to think about him, then he is not too busy to think about you either. If you really are on his mind, he will make the time, if only a moment, to let you know he was thinking about (whether through a phone call, text message or e-mail.).
Sometimes a person can have a crazy day and this is okay, but if it happens too often, then it has nothing to do with him being busy- it has to do with him being lazy, and you are worth more than that!
How to live a happy and satisfied Life
In each day that passes by, we stand by and witness how our lives are being lived without the full happiness and satisfaction we crave and need. Most people spend their time stressed out, worried and on a constant panic about what needs to be done for their futures, raising their children, wired up over work, school, along with everything else. Does this sound familiar? Well if it does, it is because so many people live with this style and pattern. When you can start living that fully happy and satisfied life?
The only way you can live a happy and satisfied life, is when you start doing things that make you happy and satisfied. Sure, it sounds easy, and can be easy if you just remember to make yourself one of your top priorities. Too many people neglect themselves, feeling that it would be selfish if they took any time out to focus on their own being. While it is good to take care of others and other important things going on in your life, it is mandatory that you never forget about yourself. Discover who you really are and what matters most to you. Living a great life does not just happen. It requires, planning and following those plans to a life that reflects who you truly are.
Most people avoid planning goals and dreams in their lives because they may have a fear of committing to it or failing. They feel that by officially writing it down, they would actually have to go through with pursuing it. This is where you need to rate the importance of your life missions. What is most important to you? Is it losing a certain amount of weight? Getting your degree? Spending more time with your spouse or children? Whatever the reason or reasons may be, just write all of them down. You may feel that making a mental note of your goals and dreams is enough, but you could very well be setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. By writing it down, you will become a visual witness of those goals. Try writing them in an organizer, with a little reminder written in each day.
Setting deadlines for these goals would be a great way to assure they will be accomplished. Avoid disappointment by setting realistic deadlines. For example, if you wanted to lose 10 pounds, do not give yourself a week to do so. You will only torture yourself and become depressed when the week is over and see that you did not come even close to losing the 10 pounds. In fact, you may give up losing weight altogether because of the failure you experienced, simply because your deadline was unrealistic. Take some time everyday to look over your goals and remind yourself of how important they really are to you. Ask yourself why they are important to you too. Knowing that something is important is not enough. You must know the reasons behind the importance of the dreams and goals you have, so that your mind can see it more clearly and understand exactly why it is so necessary to go through with your missions.
Building the Bond in your Relationship
A bond (relationship wise) is when two people have a connection. Being attracted to each other and sharing common values and interests brought the two of you together as a couple, but the bond has not been set completely. Besides the fact that you have love and care between you, you also need to see whether or not the two of you are friends. Is it possible to be friends? Absolutely! As a matter of fact, it is a must if the two of you are going to build a lasting bond.
Having a strong longing and passion for another is important, but is not enough fuel to keep the bond running. With friendship, your relationship will remain having that strength under all kinds of circumstances. There will be times, for example, when you as a couple are not living in your most passionate times. This is natural and does not mean there is no longer love or desire. As your relationship deepens, you will go through many experiences and stages that may put your romance and frequent hot sex aside for a while. This is where friendship comes in and why it is so important. You should be there for each other and understand your partners situations and concerns. Just take a look at your friends. See what makes your friendship with them so great. You then need to see if your partner has those same similarities or exact (sticking up for you when you need the back up for instance) qualities. Another point to keep in mind is keeping yourself aware of what behavior you would not except from a friend. You should definitely not accept those behaviors from your mate (like standing you up all the time) either.
It is not easy to put our friends and lovers in the same comparison because we are in love with our partners, and therefore will be more patient with them than we would with our friends. You can easily blind yourself due to the love you feel for that person and not even realize when he or she is not being a good friend and partner to you. How can you tell? A true friendship is basically the same as the true qualities that define real love. The difference is, we are in love and have a deep desire for our mates, with commitment and a goal of building a future, and perhaps even getting married and making a family together. The list below will help you see if your lover is a friend to you as well.
You can talk to and confide in each other about anything.
Your partner is there for you when you need to talk to someone.
Being able to always rely on each other when one is counted on.
Having a permanent shoulder to cry on when we need it
Having many things in common
Accepting one another for who we are
Listening to us and considering our opinions important
Do not feel guilty for having higher expectations from your lover either. People often feel like they should be more lenient and understanding when it comes to their lovers. Even though it is important to keep an understanding attitude (to avoid misunderstandings and arguments), you should never let things always slide or make up excuses for your partners wrong doings. You should expect better and not except such behavior. You deserve better. After all, you invest most of your emotions and time into your partner, so always remember that you are entitled to receive the same.
Having a strong longing and passion for another is important, but is not enough fuel to keep the bond running. With friendship, your relationship will remain having that strength under all kinds of circumstances. There will be times, for example, when you as a couple are not living in your most passionate times. This is natural and does not mean there is no longer love or desire. As your relationship deepens, you will go through many experiences and stages that may put your romance and frequent hot sex aside for a while. This is where friendship comes in and why it is so important. You should be there for each other and understand your partners situations and concerns. Just take a look at your friends. See what makes your friendship with them so great. You then need to see if your partner has those same similarities or exact (sticking up for you when you need the back up for instance) qualities. Another point to keep in mind is keeping yourself aware of what behavior you would not except from a friend. You should definitely not accept those behaviors from your mate (like standing you up all the time) either.
It is not easy to put our friends and lovers in the same comparison because we are in love with our partners, and therefore will be more patient with them than we would with our friends. You can easily blind yourself due to the love you feel for that person and not even realize when he or she is not being a good friend and partner to you. How can you tell? A true friendship is basically the same as the true qualities that define real love. The difference is, we are in love and have a deep desire for our mates, with commitment and a goal of building a future, and perhaps even getting married and making a family together. The list below will help you see if your lover is a friend to you as well.
You can talk to and confide in each other about anything.
Your partner is there for you when you need to talk to someone.
Being able to always rely on each other when one is counted on.
Having a permanent shoulder to cry on when we need it
Having many things in common
Accepting one another for who we are
Listening to us and considering our opinions important
Do not feel guilty for having higher expectations from your lover either. People often feel like they should be more lenient and understanding when it comes to their lovers. Even though it is important to keep an understanding attitude (to avoid misunderstandings and arguments), you should never let things always slide or make up excuses for your partners wrong doings. You should expect better and not except such behavior. You deserve better. After all, you invest most of your emotions and time into your partner, so always remember that you are entitled to receive the same.
Surviving a Long Distance Relationship
Challenging and difficult, though they may not be what we want to hear, are the words that best describe long distance relationships. Keep in mind however, that the words are challenging and difficult, not impossible. Many people choose to give a long distance relationship a try, with the constant curiosity if it was the right decision to make and if it even stands a chance. The truth is, a long distance relationship has just as much a chance of succeeding as any other relationship!
Long Distance Relationships share the same facts as an average relationship. It involves two people who share an interest in each others lives, care for one another and of course have a love for each other that they hope will only continue to grow. On the other hand, a long distance relationship does have its differences as well. It takes away your ability to see each other on a frequent note, as well as the choice of being intimate whenever you desire, not to mention that there would be major trust required. Being unable to spend time together in a physical presence makes it harder to hang on to, but does not spell out doom for your relationship.
The first step is to make an agreement of what your expectations are in the relationship and how much of a commitment you are willing to give and receive. If the two of you decide to be monogamous, then it is clear that neither of you will be dating anyone else as long as your romantic relationship exists. Being clear about what you both want is extremely important, especially in a long distance relationship, in order to prevent future misunderstandings and mistakes. Do not feel afraid to tell your partner what you really need and want from him or her, you deserve the chance to speak from your heart and he or she deserves to know the truth and judge whether they can give it to you.
Trust is a major necessity if you wish to have your relationship from a distance. Without trust and honesty, the relationship is in for danger and unsuccessfulness, just as it would be any other relationship. By accepting the challenge of a long distance relationship, you also accepted the fact that you will have to have the trust and faith that your partner will not be seeing anyone else as promised. Being paranoid and accusing will only grow doubts, insecurity and tension between you and none of those three will help the relationship survive successfully.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words
If you were to say to the man in your life, "Honey, we need to talk about our relationship," what do you think would happen?
If he would answer with something like, "I thought you’d never ask!" or, "I’ve been dying to share my feelings about our life together, and I especially want to hear how you feel about us and how you want me to change," then neither of you are luckier than the vast majority of couples.
Most women would expect that their men would get distracted, defensive, irritated, fidgety, roll their eyes, or shut down completely, and most men would feel like they’re being punished for a crime they didn’t commit.
Undoubtedly you’ve had the conversations we are talking about. She knows her lines, he knows his, and it always ends up worse than it started. No wonder the five words a man dreads most are, "Honey, we need to talk."
We make a point to ask the women in our workshops how making men talk about the relationship has worked in the past. Most say something like, "It didn’t work, because he can’t communicate. He gets angry, defensive, or impatient. He’s just not interested."
Well it turns out that when it comes to "talking about the relationship," men know something that most women don’t. Research and our combined fifty-plus years of clinical experience show repeatedly that, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better.
Disconnection Lies at the Heart Of Every Argument
____________________________________________
It has nothing to do with your partner’s lack of interest or his "poor communication skills."
Women want to talk about the relationship because they’re upset and want to feel better. Men don’t want to talk because talking won’t make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and disconnected.
This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument, disappointment, cold silence, and resentment you endure. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart.
The chronic stress of disconnection, which eventually afflicts most unions between men and women, stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame, a difference that is visible shortly after birth.
This subtle difference is inherent in the dilemma, Do we talk about the relationship or not? The real reason women want to talk about it, beneath the resentment and frustration, is because disconnection makes them feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid.
The real reason men don’t want to talk about it is because her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame.
When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways, by talking and not talking, all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.
Your relationship can fail with neither of you doing anything wrong, if you do not understand the extent to which fear and shame drive your disconnection from one another. Understanding each other’s core vulnerabilities and learning how to manage them will give you a new perspective on your relationship, a dual perspective based on both points of view, which leads to compassionate connection and a loving connection that goes beyond words.
____________________________
It’s All About Connection
____________________________
Emotional disconnection is the biggest single factor in the soaring divorce rate. Some 80 percent of divorcees say they just "grew apart." This is so tragic because it’s so unnecessary.
Wives don’t need another girlfriend; they want a deeper connection with their husbands. Yet their female-oriented attempts to get what they both want are bound to fail, as the dismal success record of marriage counseling indicates. That’s because the problem is not about "communication." It’s about disconnection.
Couples are not disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected. In the beginning of the relationship, when they felt connected, they communicated just fine. They would talk for hours on end. When she exposed vulnerable feelings to her finance, he responded with gut-level protectiveness and support.
She fell in love because she felt emotionally connected to him, and her belief that he would be there for her quelled all her fears. He also fell in love because he felt emotionally connected to her. She made him feel important and successful as a lover, protector, and provider, which reduced any threat of inadequacy; she believed in him.
Their best chance of saving their marriage is to return to this state of mutually soothing and empowering connection. The most intimate moments of connection are beyond words.
If he would answer with something like, "I thought you’d never ask!" or, "I’ve been dying to share my feelings about our life together, and I especially want to hear how you feel about us and how you want me to change," then neither of you are luckier than the vast majority of couples.
Most women would expect that their men would get distracted, defensive, irritated, fidgety, roll their eyes, or shut down completely, and most men would feel like they’re being punished for a crime they didn’t commit.
Undoubtedly you’ve had the conversations we are talking about. She knows her lines, he knows his, and it always ends up worse than it started. No wonder the five words a man dreads most are, "Honey, we need to talk."
We make a point to ask the women in our workshops how making men talk about the relationship has worked in the past. Most say something like, "It didn’t work, because he can’t communicate. He gets angry, defensive, or impatient. He’s just not interested."
Well it turns out that when it comes to "talking about the relationship," men know something that most women don’t. Research and our combined fifty-plus years of clinical experience show repeatedly that, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better.
Disconnection Lies at the Heart Of Every Argument
____________________________________________
It has nothing to do with your partner’s lack of interest or his "poor communication skills."
Women want to talk about the relationship because they’re upset and want to feel better. Men don’t want to talk because talking won’t make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and disconnected.
This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument, disappointment, cold silence, and resentment you endure. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart.
The chronic stress of disconnection, which eventually afflicts most unions between men and women, stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame, a difference that is visible shortly after birth.
This subtle difference is inherent in the dilemma, Do we talk about the relationship or not? The real reason women want to talk about it, beneath the resentment and frustration, is because disconnection makes them feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid.
The real reason men don’t want to talk about it is because her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame.
When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways, by talking and not talking, all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.
Your relationship can fail with neither of you doing anything wrong, if you do not understand the extent to which fear and shame drive your disconnection from one another. Understanding each other’s core vulnerabilities and learning how to manage them will give you a new perspective on your relationship, a dual perspective based on both points of view, which leads to compassionate connection and a loving connection that goes beyond words.
____________________________
It’s All About Connection
____________________________
Emotional disconnection is the biggest single factor in the soaring divorce rate. Some 80 percent of divorcees say they just "grew apart." This is so tragic because it’s so unnecessary.
Wives don’t need another girlfriend; they want a deeper connection with their husbands. Yet their female-oriented attempts to get what they both want are bound to fail, as the dismal success record of marriage counseling indicates. That’s because the problem is not about "communication." It’s about disconnection.
Couples are not disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected. In the beginning of the relationship, when they felt connected, they communicated just fine. They would talk for hours on end. When she exposed vulnerable feelings to her finance, he responded with gut-level protectiveness and support.
She fell in love because she felt emotionally connected to him, and her belief that he would be there for her quelled all her fears. He also fell in love because he felt emotionally connected to her. She made him feel important and successful as a lover, protector, and provider, which reduced any threat of inadequacy; she believed in him.
Their best chance of saving their marriage is to return to this state of mutually soothing and empowering connection. The most intimate moments of connection are beyond words.
Monday, June 15, 2009
TEN THINGS NEVER TO DO IN A MARRIAGE
1. DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED
2. DON'T MIND-READ
3. DON'T BLAME
4. DON'T PLAY SHRINK
5. DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO
6. DON'T USE SILENCE AS A WEAPON
7. DON'T ACT OUT
8. DON'T THREATEN
9. DON'T DISCOUNT
10. DON'T TRIANGULATE
1. DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED.
Think about this question for a moment. Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you are to a casual acquaintance? For most of us, the answer is no. How come? How is it that this same person that you now hardly give a moment’s thought to, unless it’s negative, could be the same one to whom you once were so loving, giving and appreciative?
EXERCISE:
You can change that. You can start by not assuming that those things that your partner does for you are obligatory. In fact, I would suggest you take a piece of paper and write down those things that your partner does for you - both large and small. Then honestly ask yourself, among those things that your partner does for you, do you ever show appreciation and in what manner do you express it? Most likely, you’ll discover that for many of the kindnesses on the list you’ve probably never said "Thank you. I really appreciate you for...”
So if you would like to breathe some life into your relationship, let me suggest the following. Try committing yourself to a week of thank you’s and notice the change.
2. DON'T MIND-READ.
Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There’s a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.
Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there’s your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear. "What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?" You tentatively approach him, "What’s the matter, Bill?" you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. Bill slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, "I’ve been laid off."
"Thank God," you almost blurt out, "at least it wasn’t me."
In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and found out that her husband wasn’t upset with her. Yet how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they’re true?
It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn’t love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, mourning the loss of her mother. So, to quote my former basic training drill sergeant, "Assumptions are the mother of all f-ups." Don’t assume. Check it out.
EXERCISE:
Take a piece of paper and without thinking too much about it, complete the following sentence: "I assume that my partner thinks or feels.... about me." After you compile your list, try checking out some of these assumptions.
3. DON'T BLAME.
How easy it is to say, "It’s your fault. You made me do it. It’s because of you that things are so bad between us. You’re the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What’s my part in creating the difficulties between us?" The problem with blaming is that it never solves anything and it nearly always triggers a negative reaction.
When each of us blames, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. In addition, anyone who feels blamed usually responds in kind. The result is either a skirmish or all out war. Your partner is now your enemy who you must disarm or even destroy at all costs. All is fair in love and war-- and marriage is both.
So what’s the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice is a challenge. It’s hard to give up that feeling of being right. It’s so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I’ll let you in on a marital truth: Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. Don't you want the relationship to win? You'll win, too. Try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?" If you’re not sure, let me help you out. Most likely you are blaming.
EXERCISE:
Try the following exercise to help you make the switch from blaming to taking responsibility for your behavior. First, write a list of all the ways you blame your spouse. For example, "It’s because of you that the house is a mess," or "You’re the reason Bobby is running around with a bad crowd. It’s because you never spend anytime with him." Second, take a good hard look at yourself and record what you’re responsible for. Third, look for solutions in each of these situations. In the last example, she might consider telling her husband, "I’m worried that Bobby’s running around with a bad crowd. I’d like to talk about what we can do about it." She might be pleasantly surprised to discover that when approached respectfully, her husband, on his own, will realize that he needs to spend more time with his son.
4. DON'T PLAY SHRINK.
In other words, "Don't interpret!" Don’t assume you understand your partner’s deepest motivations and the subtlest nuances of his behavior. You may think you’re objective, but let me tell you, nobody who is deeply involved in a relationship can maintain professional distance. More often than not, interpretations don't come from a place of selfless concern and a desire to help. Rather, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’d recognize that these so-called truthful statements about our spouse are just disguised resentments, cloaked in a garment of objective concern.
Perhaps, you’re like me. I don’t want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen. I want her to hear. I want her to respond as a friend, as someone who is concerned about me. There are two antidotes to interpretations: The first is to be clear about our resentments and not to express them covertly through our analysis of our partner’s behavior. The second is to listen in an open, loving manner.
EXERCISE:
Try the following exercise: The next time your partner talks to you, work extra hard at trying to understand her. Practice active listening by non-verbally indicating that you’re hearing him. You can do this by maintaining eye contact and holding your partner’s hand or embracing her in a caring, non-sexual manner. Periodically, respond with supportive statements that acknowledge how your partner feels. An example might be, "I understand how angry you are at your boss. If I were you, I’d sure be furious.”
5. DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO.
We’re often afraid to say no to our partners. Perhaps, you’re scared that he’ll become angry, or, maybe, if you were to say "I’m sorry, I just don’t want to do that," she’d be disappointed and you’d start feeling guilty. So, instead of asserting ourselves and saying what we want, we end up doing the opposite and often feel resentful. The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being real in the relationship. There’s no intimacy in a relationship without honesty.
It may be that when you start to say no when you mean no, you'll say yes when you mean yes. Your honesty might increase the trust in your relationship. More likely, however, the change in your behavior will at first be threatening to your partner. Remember he’s not used to you being so honest. She might be painfully surprised to learn that not all of your yes’s were indeed yes’s.
It’s important to know that anytime you change the rules in a relationship there’s bound to be conflict. That’s okay. Conflict is often necessary for a relationship to grow. Through conflict two people can create a deeper understanding of one another and develop a stronger bond.
If you already have a strong connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty will only deepen that relationship. If you don’t, I recommend you proceed carefully. Before you start being totally honest, try assessing what your partner’s reaction will be. Perhaps the most effective way of asserting yourself is to speak to your partner about how you feel and insist that the two of you get professional help. The process of reaching a deeper level of honesty is often bumpy, but once you arrive, it's well worth it.
EXERCISE:
Try the following exercise:
1. Write the following on a piece of paper: "I’m afraid to tell my partner...."
2. Prioritize the list, one being the easiest of your truths to reveal, two, the second easiest and so on.
3. Imagine approaching your partner and telling him or her the truth. Notice how you feel as you do that. Try breathing easily and gently tell yourself to relax.
4. When you’re able to visualize speaking to your partner, then take the risk of doing it in reality. Start with the easiest (1) and go down your list.
6. DON'T USE SILENCE AS A WEAPON.
Silence is a deadly weapon. It's easier to deal with a non-violent, verbal fight where at least you get out what’s bothering you than an icy silence where all you can do is imagine how many different ways your partner hates you. So, if you don't want to kill your relationship, then you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a relationship; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.
So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may tell you to go take a flying leap? Granted, it’s not easy but making a relationship work never is. Try the following and get back to us and tell us what happened.
EXERCISE:
1. Write a list of your resentments in the following way: "I resent you for x."
2. Write a letter to your partner about what’s bothering you. Don’t blame. Try to start from a positive, loving place. An example might be:
"Dear Bill, I feel a real need to talk about us. I love you and want our marriage to work. What I’m about to tell you might hurt you. It’s not my intention. What I want is for us to be close. But there are things I want to get off my chest. Please think about what I’m writing and try hard not to react with anger. This is hard for me but here goes:
I am upset with....."
Don’t dump the kitchen sink on your partner. Mention a few of the most important things that are bothering you. If you are aware of what your part is in creating problems, mention it. Your partner will be much more open to looking at his part if he feels you’re doing the same.
7. DON'T ACT OUT.
What does it mean to act out? Acting out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior. For example, a teenage girl might act out sexually as a way of expressing her anger toward her parents. She's unable to relate directly to them and say what's really bothering her so she uses attention getting behaviors
which alarm and infuriate the parents. This is an awkward and indirect way of establishing a relationship. It's often done unconsciously and it frequently occurs in marriage.
People act out by having affairs, by making messes, by withdrawing, by becoming depressed, and even by suicide. They can act out by being irresponsible with money. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, "I'm really angry at you."
So what is the antidote to this? Direct communication - learning how to tell your partner what’s really on your mind. With acting out you never get to the source of the problem. You only harm yourself and each other.
EXERCISE:
1. Find a quiet, comfortable place where you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes.
2. Close your eyes and breathe easily and effortlessly. Stay focused on your breathing. In a relaxed manner observe your breath as you inhale and exhale.
3. After a few minutes ask yourself the following question: "What is it that I do that bothers my partner?" For example, it might be the mess you leave; the way you spend money, or your lateness. Be honest with yourself.
4. After you’ve become aware of these behaviors write them down. If you’re aware that these behaviors upset your partner, then ask yourself "Do you wish to continue to use these methods to aggravate your partner?" If the answer is "No," then ask yourself, "What purpose do these behaviors serve and what would be a more effective way of communicating the feelings that these behaviors are expressing?
5. Be aware that this process might uncover some deep hurts and resentments. Remember dealing with the truth is ultimately the only way to heal your relationship. Be careful not to dump all of your negative feelings on your partner at once. Think about how and when to begin to share your feelings.
8. DON'T THREATEN.
All is fair in love and war and marriage is no exception. Let’s not kid ourselves. Even the most loving relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter enemies. In this dangerous marital game nothing is sweeter than getting even and the only thing that matters is winning. Verbal and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.
The only advice you can give to a couple who are engaged in such a struggle is: "Immediately seek help or get out." Thankfully, most of us are not contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More than that, I’m assuming that each of you wants to learn how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let me be bold enough to make a stern warning. Never threaten your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses your spouse.
No matter how angry you are, make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances whatsoever will I verbally or physically threaten my spouse. If you’re not clear about what a threat is, let me define it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create physical or emotional pain in your partner.
A partner who threatens is a partner who may feel deeply hurt and wounded by his spouse and/or may be someone who himself was verbally or physically abused. The only way he knows to relieve his suffering is by making his spouse as miserable as he. If getting even seems more important than being heard, then you’re one small step from a dangerous crisis.
In reality, if I were to ask a couple who were engaged in a dangerous relationship such as this, "Do you really want to hurt each other?" their answers would invariably be, "No, I just get so frustrated when she doesn’t hear me that I just lose it," or "I hate what’s happening to us but I’ve tried so hard to get him to understand me but he just refuses to listen. It’s just gotten to the point where all I want to do is hurt him." Out of hurt and frustration they resort to violence believing that it is the only way they can protect themselves.
EXERCISE:
I would like to suggest the following exercise to help reduce rage. I want to reiterate that this is no substitute for professional help which is essential in a situation like this.
If you find yourself filled with rage toward your spouse do the following:
1. Go into a room where you won’t be disturbed and either with your hands or a tennis racket beat a pillow until you feel your rage dissipating. It might be helpful to yell, curse or scream as you’re beating the pillow. I would recommend you do that if no one will hear you.
2. Next, take a paper and list all the ways you resent your partner. Start each sentence with I resent you for .....
3. Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you. Try not to blame but write about your hurt and loneliness and what’s missing in the relationship.
9. DON'T DISCOUNT.
A discount is a remark designed to reduce your partner’s self-worth. Some examples of discounting statements are: "You’re so lazy," "You’re irresponsible and untrustworthy," and "You’re a terrible father and an awful husband."
It’s amazing how brilliant each of us can be when it comes to identifying every one of our partner’s blemishes. I doubt that there’s one among us who is unable to offer a detailed list of his or her partner's bad habits, unacceptable character traits and generally difficult behaviors. In the midst of an argument the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly powerful.
TRY TO RESIST. IF NOT, YOU CAN BE SURE YOUR PARTNER WILL RESPOND IN ONE OF TWO WAYS: HE OR SHE WILL EITHER RESPOND IN KIND OR DENY. NEITHER REACTION EVER SOLVES PROBLEMS OR CREATES INTIMACY.
I’m assuming that you would like to learn a more effective way to express your resentments. If so, let me suggest that instead of making angry statements that begin with "You," try making "I statements." Examples of "I statements" are: "I feel angry when..." "I resent it when you do such and such a thing..." Not "You are such an idiot!" "You are such a slob!" "You always leave messes!" or "You’re just like your mother. Both of you are disorganized incompetents." I promise you, her behavior won’t change as a result of that piece of feedback.
However, it might, if you were to say, "You know, Bill, it bothers me when the house is not clean. I know you're busy and I know it's hard for you but I would appreciate it if you would help me clean it up." Now, I'm not promising that he won’t be defensive, but I do believe he’ll be less reactive than if you were to tell him what a slob he is.
EXERCISE:
1. Make a list of all the angry "you statements" that you can think of.
2. Change the "you statements" into "I statements" by writing "I feel x (your feeling) when you do y (your partner’s behavior).
3. Practice making "I statements" with your partner.
10. DON'T TRIANGULATE.
It’s frightening to admit, but a couple in conflict instinctively behaves like two nations preparing for war. In each case, the warring parties create alliances in order to strengthen their respective hands. Where they differ is that a couple in a conflictual relationship sometimes develops those alliances unconsciously.
In a relationship, the partner that feels the most discomfort eventually withdraws from the other and finds a third person who functions as a supportive ally. In the lingo of marital psychology this is called triangulation. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from her husband might increase her involvement with one or more of the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A child who is especially sensitive to the suffering of one of the parents might decide to become that parent’s "caregiver." A kid in that role almost always feels torn apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent.
Sometimes an acting-out teenager will unconsciously stabilize the relationship between the parents. It is as if the kid has a super radar that picks up on his or her parents’ marital distress and responds by drawing each of them away from their conflict toward his drug abuse or her pregnancy or his suspension or her school failure. There is no end to the creative ways children can act out in order to divert their parents from dealing with the uncomfortable truth about their marriage.
The third person in this triangle is not always one of the children. It can be a parent, a sibling, a friend or a lover. The function of this person is to reduce the strain between the couple. For example, a man who believes that his wife has lost interest in him could conceivably reduce the tension he feels by having an affair. Until his wife finds out, the level of conflict between them will most likely subside. He also might shift his loyalty to his mother who then becomes his confidant and advisor often to the detriment of the marriage. As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with whatever is the source of their problem. It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital love. However, it’s hard both for the partner and the third person to withdraw from their involvement with one another. In the situation of the affair, the lover might not want to end the relationship and the man may be unwilling to give up the easy intimacy of the new relationship for the difficult challenge of making his marriage work.
If the third person is a child, he or she might begin to act out as a way of re-engaging the parent. It often takes professional help from a qualified marital or family therapist to help a couple to disengage from a triangle so that it's not destructive for one or more of the people who are involved.
The cure for triangulation is trust and intimacy. The question is how does a couple whose relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust turn it around? If there’s no trust, how do you develop a trusting relationship? I am going to propose the following steps to help you move in that direction:
EXERCISE
1. One of you has to be honest about the marriage. In other words, be straight with yourself about what’s missing. Write down what you would like to change in your relationship. For example, if you hardly spend any time with one another, you might write, "I would like to spend one evening a week alone with you."
2. Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you about the relationship. Avoid blaming and write about how you would like to improve the marriage.
3. In a few days, approach your partner and try to talk about what you’ve written. If the response is positive, then begin the work on improving your relationship. You may need professional help to succeed. If your partner is willing, look for a competent marital therapist. Not all mental health professionals are experienced in marital therapy so be sure that whoever you find is a qualified marital therapist.
2. DON'T MIND-READ
3. DON'T BLAME
4. DON'T PLAY SHRINK
5. DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO
6. DON'T USE SILENCE AS A WEAPON
7. DON'T ACT OUT
8. DON'T THREATEN
9. DON'T DISCOUNT
10. DON'T TRIANGULATE
1. DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED.
Think about this question for a moment. Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you are to a casual acquaintance? For most of us, the answer is no. How come? How is it that this same person that you now hardly give a moment’s thought to, unless it’s negative, could be the same one to whom you once were so loving, giving and appreciative?
EXERCISE:
You can change that. You can start by not assuming that those things that your partner does for you are obligatory. In fact, I would suggest you take a piece of paper and write down those things that your partner does for you - both large and small. Then honestly ask yourself, among those things that your partner does for you, do you ever show appreciation and in what manner do you express it? Most likely, you’ll discover that for many of the kindnesses on the list you’ve probably never said "Thank you. I really appreciate you for...”
So if you would like to breathe some life into your relationship, let me suggest the following. Try committing yourself to a week of thank you’s and notice the change.
2. DON'T MIND-READ.
Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There’s a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.
Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there’s your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear. "What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?" You tentatively approach him, "What’s the matter, Bill?" you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. Bill slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, "I’ve been laid off."
"Thank God," you almost blurt out, "at least it wasn’t me."
In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and found out that her husband wasn’t upset with her. Yet how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they’re true?
It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn’t love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, mourning the loss of her mother. So, to quote my former basic training drill sergeant, "Assumptions are the mother of all f-ups." Don’t assume. Check it out.
EXERCISE:
Take a piece of paper and without thinking too much about it, complete the following sentence: "I assume that my partner thinks or feels.... about me." After you compile your list, try checking out some of these assumptions.
3. DON'T BLAME.
How easy it is to say, "It’s your fault. You made me do it. It’s because of you that things are so bad between us. You’re the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What’s my part in creating the difficulties between us?" The problem with blaming is that it never solves anything and it nearly always triggers a negative reaction.
When each of us blames, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. In addition, anyone who feels blamed usually responds in kind. The result is either a skirmish or all out war. Your partner is now your enemy who you must disarm or even destroy at all costs. All is fair in love and war-- and marriage is both.
So what’s the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice is a challenge. It’s hard to give up that feeling of being right. It’s so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I’ll let you in on a marital truth: Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. Don't you want the relationship to win? You'll win, too. Try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?" If you’re not sure, let me help you out. Most likely you are blaming.
EXERCISE:
Try the following exercise to help you make the switch from blaming to taking responsibility for your behavior. First, write a list of all the ways you blame your spouse. For example, "It’s because of you that the house is a mess," or "You’re the reason Bobby is running around with a bad crowd. It’s because you never spend anytime with him." Second, take a good hard look at yourself and record what you’re responsible for. Third, look for solutions in each of these situations. In the last example, she might consider telling her husband, "I’m worried that Bobby’s running around with a bad crowd. I’d like to talk about what we can do about it." She might be pleasantly surprised to discover that when approached respectfully, her husband, on his own, will realize that he needs to spend more time with his son.
4. DON'T PLAY SHRINK.
In other words, "Don't interpret!" Don’t assume you understand your partner’s deepest motivations and the subtlest nuances of his behavior. You may think you’re objective, but let me tell you, nobody who is deeply involved in a relationship can maintain professional distance. More often than not, interpretations don't come from a place of selfless concern and a desire to help. Rather, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’d recognize that these so-called truthful statements about our spouse are just disguised resentments, cloaked in a garment of objective concern.
Perhaps, you’re like me. I don’t want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen. I want her to hear. I want her to respond as a friend, as someone who is concerned about me. There are two antidotes to interpretations: The first is to be clear about our resentments and not to express them covertly through our analysis of our partner’s behavior. The second is to listen in an open, loving manner.
EXERCISE:
Try the following exercise: The next time your partner talks to you, work extra hard at trying to understand her. Practice active listening by non-verbally indicating that you’re hearing him. You can do this by maintaining eye contact and holding your partner’s hand or embracing her in a caring, non-sexual manner. Periodically, respond with supportive statements that acknowledge how your partner feels. An example might be, "I understand how angry you are at your boss. If I were you, I’d sure be furious.”
5. DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO.
We’re often afraid to say no to our partners. Perhaps, you’re scared that he’ll become angry, or, maybe, if you were to say "I’m sorry, I just don’t want to do that," she’d be disappointed and you’d start feeling guilty. So, instead of asserting ourselves and saying what we want, we end up doing the opposite and often feel resentful. The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being real in the relationship. There’s no intimacy in a relationship without honesty.
It may be that when you start to say no when you mean no, you'll say yes when you mean yes. Your honesty might increase the trust in your relationship. More likely, however, the change in your behavior will at first be threatening to your partner. Remember he’s not used to you being so honest. She might be painfully surprised to learn that not all of your yes’s were indeed yes’s.
It’s important to know that anytime you change the rules in a relationship there’s bound to be conflict. That’s okay. Conflict is often necessary for a relationship to grow. Through conflict two people can create a deeper understanding of one another and develop a stronger bond.
If you already have a strong connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty will only deepen that relationship. If you don’t, I recommend you proceed carefully. Before you start being totally honest, try assessing what your partner’s reaction will be. Perhaps the most effective way of asserting yourself is to speak to your partner about how you feel and insist that the two of you get professional help. The process of reaching a deeper level of honesty is often bumpy, but once you arrive, it's well worth it.
EXERCISE:
Try the following exercise:
1. Write the following on a piece of paper: "I’m afraid to tell my partner...."
2. Prioritize the list, one being the easiest of your truths to reveal, two, the second easiest and so on.
3. Imagine approaching your partner and telling him or her the truth. Notice how you feel as you do that. Try breathing easily and gently tell yourself to relax.
4. When you’re able to visualize speaking to your partner, then take the risk of doing it in reality. Start with the easiest (1) and go down your list.
6. DON'T USE SILENCE AS A WEAPON.
Silence is a deadly weapon. It's easier to deal with a non-violent, verbal fight where at least you get out what’s bothering you than an icy silence where all you can do is imagine how many different ways your partner hates you. So, if you don't want to kill your relationship, then you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a relationship; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.
So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may tell you to go take a flying leap? Granted, it’s not easy but making a relationship work never is. Try the following and get back to us and tell us what happened.
EXERCISE:
1. Write a list of your resentments in the following way: "I resent you for x."
2. Write a letter to your partner about what’s bothering you. Don’t blame. Try to start from a positive, loving place. An example might be:
"Dear Bill, I feel a real need to talk about us. I love you and want our marriage to work. What I’m about to tell you might hurt you. It’s not my intention. What I want is for us to be close. But there are things I want to get off my chest. Please think about what I’m writing and try hard not to react with anger. This is hard for me but here goes:
I am upset with....."
Don’t dump the kitchen sink on your partner. Mention a few of the most important things that are bothering you. If you are aware of what your part is in creating problems, mention it. Your partner will be much more open to looking at his part if he feels you’re doing the same.
7. DON'T ACT OUT.
What does it mean to act out? Acting out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior. For example, a teenage girl might act out sexually as a way of expressing her anger toward her parents. She's unable to relate directly to them and say what's really bothering her so she uses attention getting behaviors
which alarm and infuriate the parents. This is an awkward and indirect way of establishing a relationship. It's often done unconsciously and it frequently occurs in marriage.
People act out by having affairs, by making messes, by withdrawing, by becoming depressed, and even by suicide. They can act out by being irresponsible with money. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, "I'm really angry at you."
So what is the antidote to this? Direct communication - learning how to tell your partner what’s really on your mind. With acting out you never get to the source of the problem. You only harm yourself and each other.
EXERCISE:
1. Find a quiet, comfortable place where you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes.
2. Close your eyes and breathe easily and effortlessly. Stay focused on your breathing. In a relaxed manner observe your breath as you inhale and exhale.
3. After a few minutes ask yourself the following question: "What is it that I do that bothers my partner?" For example, it might be the mess you leave; the way you spend money, or your lateness. Be honest with yourself.
4. After you’ve become aware of these behaviors write them down. If you’re aware that these behaviors upset your partner, then ask yourself "Do you wish to continue to use these methods to aggravate your partner?" If the answer is "No," then ask yourself, "What purpose do these behaviors serve and what would be a more effective way of communicating the feelings that these behaviors are expressing?
5. Be aware that this process might uncover some deep hurts and resentments. Remember dealing with the truth is ultimately the only way to heal your relationship. Be careful not to dump all of your negative feelings on your partner at once. Think about how and when to begin to share your feelings.
8. DON'T THREATEN.
All is fair in love and war and marriage is no exception. Let’s not kid ourselves. Even the most loving relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter enemies. In this dangerous marital game nothing is sweeter than getting even and the only thing that matters is winning. Verbal and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.
The only advice you can give to a couple who are engaged in such a struggle is: "Immediately seek help or get out." Thankfully, most of us are not contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More than that, I’m assuming that each of you wants to learn how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let me be bold enough to make a stern warning. Never threaten your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses your spouse.
No matter how angry you are, make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances whatsoever will I verbally or physically threaten my spouse. If you’re not clear about what a threat is, let me define it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create physical or emotional pain in your partner.
A partner who threatens is a partner who may feel deeply hurt and wounded by his spouse and/or may be someone who himself was verbally or physically abused. The only way he knows to relieve his suffering is by making his spouse as miserable as he. If getting even seems more important than being heard, then you’re one small step from a dangerous crisis.
In reality, if I were to ask a couple who were engaged in a dangerous relationship such as this, "Do you really want to hurt each other?" their answers would invariably be, "No, I just get so frustrated when she doesn’t hear me that I just lose it," or "I hate what’s happening to us but I’ve tried so hard to get him to understand me but he just refuses to listen. It’s just gotten to the point where all I want to do is hurt him." Out of hurt and frustration they resort to violence believing that it is the only way they can protect themselves.
EXERCISE:
I would like to suggest the following exercise to help reduce rage. I want to reiterate that this is no substitute for professional help which is essential in a situation like this.
If you find yourself filled with rage toward your spouse do the following:
1. Go into a room where you won’t be disturbed and either with your hands or a tennis racket beat a pillow until you feel your rage dissipating. It might be helpful to yell, curse or scream as you’re beating the pillow. I would recommend you do that if no one will hear you.
2. Next, take a paper and list all the ways you resent your partner. Start each sentence with I resent you for .....
3. Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you. Try not to blame but write about your hurt and loneliness and what’s missing in the relationship.
9. DON'T DISCOUNT.
A discount is a remark designed to reduce your partner’s self-worth. Some examples of discounting statements are: "You’re so lazy," "You’re irresponsible and untrustworthy," and "You’re a terrible father and an awful husband."
It’s amazing how brilliant each of us can be when it comes to identifying every one of our partner’s blemishes. I doubt that there’s one among us who is unable to offer a detailed list of his or her partner's bad habits, unacceptable character traits and generally difficult behaviors. In the midst of an argument the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly powerful.
TRY TO RESIST. IF NOT, YOU CAN BE SURE YOUR PARTNER WILL RESPOND IN ONE OF TWO WAYS: HE OR SHE WILL EITHER RESPOND IN KIND OR DENY. NEITHER REACTION EVER SOLVES PROBLEMS OR CREATES INTIMACY.
I’m assuming that you would like to learn a more effective way to express your resentments. If so, let me suggest that instead of making angry statements that begin with "You," try making "I statements." Examples of "I statements" are: "I feel angry when..." "I resent it when you do such and such a thing..." Not "You are such an idiot!" "You are such a slob!" "You always leave messes!" or "You’re just like your mother. Both of you are disorganized incompetents." I promise you, her behavior won’t change as a result of that piece of feedback.
However, it might, if you were to say, "You know, Bill, it bothers me when the house is not clean. I know you're busy and I know it's hard for you but I would appreciate it if you would help me clean it up." Now, I'm not promising that he won’t be defensive, but I do believe he’ll be less reactive than if you were to tell him what a slob he is.
EXERCISE:
1. Make a list of all the angry "you statements" that you can think of.
2. Change the "you statements" into "I statements" by writing "I feel x (your feeling) when you do y (your partner’s behavior).
3. Practice making "I statements" with your partner.
10. DON'T TRIANGULATE.
It’s frightening to admit, but a couple in conflict instinctively behaves like two nations preparing for war. In each case, the warring parties create alliances in order to strengthen their respective hands. Where they differ is that a couple in a conflictual relationship sometimes develops those alliances unconsciously.
In a relationship, the partner that feels the most discomfort eventually withdraws from the other and finds a third person who functions as a supportive ally. In the lingo of marital psychology this is called triangulation. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from her husband might increase her involvement with one or more of the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A child who is especially sensitive to the suffering of one of the parents might decide to become that parent’s "caregiver." A kid in that role almost always feels torn apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent.
Sometimes an acting-out teenager will unconsciously stabilize the relationship between the parents. It is as if the kid has a super radar that picks up on his or her parents’ marital distress and responds by drawing each of them away from their conflict toward his drug abuse or her pregnancy or his suspension or her school failure. There is no end to the creative ways children can act out in order to divert their parents from dealing with the uncomfortable truth about their marriage.
The third person in this triangle is not always one of the children. It can be a parent, a sibling, a friend or a lover. The function of this person is to reduce the strain between the couple. For example, a man who believes that his wife has lost interest in him could conceivably reduce the tension he feels by having an affair. Until his wife finds out, the level of conflict between them will most likely subside. He also might shift his loyalty to his mother who then becomes his confidant and advisor often to the detriment of the marriage. As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with whatever is the source of their problem. It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital love. However, it’s hard both for the partner and the third person to withdraw from their involvement with one another. In the situation of the affair, the lover might not want to end the relationship and the man may be unwilling to give up the easy intimacy of the new relationship for the difficult challenge of making his marriage work.
If the third person is a child, he or she might begin to act out as a way of re-engaging the parent. It often takes professional help from a qualified marital or family therapist to help a couple to disengage from a triangle so that it's not destructive for one or more of the people who are involved.
The cure for triangulation is trust and intimacy. The question is how does a couple whose relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust turn it around? If there’s no trust, how do you develop a trusting relationship? I am going to propose the following steps to help you move in that direction:
EXERCISE
1. One of you has to be honest about the marriage. In other words, be straight with yourself about what’s missing. Write down what you would like to change in your relationship. For example, if you hardly spend any time with one another, you might write, "I would like to spend one evening a week alone with you."
2. Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you about the relationship. Avoid blaming and write about how you would like to improve the marriage.
3. In a few days, approach your partner and try to talk about what you’ve written. If the response is positive, then begin the work on improving your relationship. You may need professional help to succeed. If your partner is willing, look for a competent marital therapist. Not all mental health professionals are experienced in marital therapy so be sure that whoever you find is a qualified marital therapist.
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