If you were to say to the man in your life, "Honey, we need to talk about our relationship," what do you think would happen?
If he would answer with something like, "I thought you’d never ask!" or, "I’ve been dying to share my feelings about our life together, and I especially want to hear how you feel about us and how you want me to change," then neither of you are luckier than the vast majority of couples.
Most women would expect that their men would get distracted, defensive, irritated, fidgety, roll their eyes, or shut down completely, and most men would feel like they’re being punished for a crime they didn’t commit.
Undoubtedly you’ve had the conversations we are talking about. She knows her lines, he knows his, and it always ends up worse than it started. No wonder the five words a man dreads most are, "Honey, we need to talk."
We make a point to ask the women in our workshops how making men talk about the relationship has worked in the past. Most say something like, "It didn’t work, because he can’t communicate. He gets angry, defensive, or impatient. He’s just not interested."
Well it turns out that when it comes to "talking about the relationship," men know something that most women don’t. Research and our combined fifty-plus years of clinical experience show repeatedly that, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better.
Disconnection Lies at the Heart Of Every Argument
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It has nothing to do with your partner’s lack of interest or his "poor communication skills."
Women want to talk about the relationship because they’re upset and want to feel better. Men don’t want to talk because talking won’t make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and disconnected.
This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument, disappointment, cold silence, and resentment you endure. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart.
The chronic stress of disconnection, which eventually afflicts most unions between men and women, stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame, a difference that is visible shortly after birth.
This subtle difference is inherent in the dilemma, Do we talk about the relationship or not? The real reason women want to talk about it, beneath the resentment and frustration, is because disconnection makes them feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid.
The real reason men don’t want to talk about it is because her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame.
When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways, by talking and not talking, all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.
Your relationship can fail with neither of you doing anything wrong, if you do not understand the extent to which fear and shame drive your disconnection from one another. Understanding each other’s core vulnerabilities and learning how to manage them will give you a new perspective on your relationship, a dual perspective based on both points of view, which leads to compassionate connection and a loving connection that goes beyond words.
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It’s All About Connection
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Emotional disconnection is the biggest single factor in the soaring divorce rate. Some 80 percent of divorcees say they just "grew apart." This is so tragic because it’s so unnecessary.
Wives don’t need another girlfriend; they want a deeper connection with their husbands. Yet their female-oriented attempts to get what they both want are bound to fail, as the dismal success record of marriage counseling indicates. That’s because the problem is not about "communication." It’s about disconnection.
Couples are not disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected. In the beginning of the relationship, when they felt connected, they communicated just fine. They would talk for hours on end. When she exposed vulnerable feelings to her finance, he responded with gut-level protectiveness and support.
She fell in love because she felt emotionally connected to him, and her belief that he would be there for her quelled all her fears. He also fell in love because he felt emotionally connected to her. She made him feel important and successful as a lover, protector, and provider, which reduced any threat of inadequacy; she believed in him.
Their best chance of saving their marriage is to return to this state of mutually soothing and empowering connection. The most intimate moments of connection are beyond words.
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